Monthly Archives: April 2013

When You Lie to the Toddler, Don’t Take Pictures

When You Lie

AJ had a push walker when he was a baby. He started walking on his own at 10 months, and shortly thereafter, he lost interest and we put it in the attic to reduce toy clutter.


Fast forward two years. AJ has a 9 month old brother, JC, who is just about cruising. So I retrieved the walker from the attic. As I brought it into my room and put it in front of the baby, AJ zinged across the room, attracted to the bright colors and wheels (what is it with toddlers and things on wheels…?) like a bee to a flower, a moth to a flame, his mommy to Taco Bell.

AJ: Ooooh, what’s that?

Me: That’s for JC, to help him practice walking.

AJ: (very calmly) No, that AJ’s.

Me: No, it’s for JC. It’s a special toy for learning how to walk. But you can share it with him.

AJ: (still very calm, but slightly more insistent) It AJ’s.

Me: No, honey, it’s not, but you can have a turn if you like.

And that was that. AJ opened each of the compartment’s covers, looked inside for any hidden treasures, and then wandered off into his room without another word.

I watched JC play with the walker for a minute or two. It’s nice, sturdy, weighted wood; a little tougher to push than a plastic walker, but definitely more stable. Mostly, he tried to climb it, and when that stopped being fun, pull it down on top of himself. Because that’s what my child does with heavy objects.

Then, from AJ’s room…

photo albumAJ: Mommy, I need my book!

Me: What book?

AJ: The blue one!

Me: Which blue one?

AJ: Up there!

Ahhh, the magic words. It was toddler-speak for “I couldn’t reach it or climb high enough to get it, but if you don’t arrive in the next one-point-eight seconds, I’ll try again, most likely stacking things with wheels or made of cardboard in a tottering-tower-of-Pisa-like climbing structure, so move your ass, Mom, because we’re burning daylight here.”

I got to his room and he was pointing to a photo album on his desk shelf. I must have absentmindedly put it up there while straightening his room, because that’s one of my personal child-proofing guidelines: don’t put anything that your little Lewis or Clark will want in sight but out of reach; he’ll see it as an engraved invitation to explore the heights, and conquer Mount Bookshelf. And if that means stacking a dump truck on Tickle-Me-Elmo on a pillow on a rocking chair to get to it…well, a toddler’s gotta do what a toddler’s gotta do.

So, I got it for him and returned to baby JC and the walker. Which would make a great band name, dontcha’ think? AJ came into my room behind me, sat down with the photo album, and proceeded to flip rapidly through the book without looking at the pages.

He got about three-quarters of the way through and started to slow down. He flipped a couple more pages, scanning as he went, stopped, and brought me the album. He pointed to a picture of himself at about 9 or 10 months old.

AJ: Look mommy, AJ’s!


What the..? Oh, crap.

The toddler called bullsh*t on me, and the toddler was right.

So, I guess the moral of the story is, don’t lie to the toddler when there is photographic evidence to the contrary. Especially when it comes to toys. You will be schooled.


Thankfully, they worked out the sharing thing on their own. Problem solved.

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A Moon of Uranus, Evolution and Extra Saliva Lollipops, Wrap-Up WE 4-27-13

A Moon of Uranus, Evolution and Extra Saliva Lollipops

The week started with an out-smart-ass contest between me and a three-year-old, when on Sunday, AJ  alleviated any doubts of his maternity by showcasing his wise-ass tendencies. We had a slight disagreement over the location of his upcoming nap. He wanted to nap in his house. I told him, “Fine, if you can find a bed to sleep in, go ahead and nap in your house.” And, voila…


While he took his “nap”, I helped my husband get 750 pounds of play sand from Lowe’s to our back yard. And when I say ‘helped’, I mean  ‘spread the blanket to protect the trunk and sat in the passenger seat as we drove it home’. I also discovered that when you’re talking play sand, I weigh about 3 sacks, give or take a half’a’sack.


On Monday morning, I made an amazing discovery. Ya know what’s awesome? Coffee with leftover vanilla frosting from the cookies we made for the firemen last week. Hypothetically. Because that’s just gross. Dibs on the new creamer patent.

I hopped on the Monday Listicles bandwagon (courtesy of The good life) with my entry, Top 10 Ways This Mom Spends 30 Minutes…At Least Today… and shared examples such as

3. Locating a fork so that I can eat my lunch after the 3-year-old helped me empty the dishwasher.


9. Lint-rolling the baby in the parking lot before his doctor appointment so that they don’t call Social Services on the suspicion that he’s been living with the black lab in the dog crate since his last visit.

Later, I had a conversation with AJ and the hubby that quickly devolved…

Elmo-YutionAJ: What doing?

Me: I’m wagging my tail

AJ: You no have tail!

Me: I don’t? Where’d it go?

AJ: It gone!

Hubby: Evolution.

AJ: Elmo-yution!

slink in the boxThen, on Tuesday, we were playing with his toy, when…

AJ: Mommy, this is my doggy box.

Me: Yeah! Your doggy jack-in-the-box!

AJ: No, mommy, Jack not in there! Doggy in there.

On Wednesday, I recounted the events of Monday…yes, it takes me two days to write 500 words…with two kids under three, yada yada yada…and published the a post called Eating Crap for a Healthy Immune System. Literally. Part of it is as gross as it sounds. Here are the basics:

Things Your Child Will Eat

On Thursday, I emailed my cousin to wish him a happy birthday. I told him

Happy birthday. May all your wishes and dreams come true. Eventually. But not too soon, because then what will you do with your time…?

Then I joined bloglovin’, and you can follow me by clicking here…

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…and I celebrated with a cone at an awesome local place called the Ice Cream Machine. We spent enough on 2 cones to buy 4 containers of Edie’s at the grocery store, but when I talked to my taste buds later, they reported it was definitely worth it.

veryinspiringblogawardOn Friday, I got a lovely surprise –  dramafreemama bestowed upon me the  “Very Inspiring Blogger Award“, which I then passed on to some nominees of my own. In the course of doing so, I revealed how I am a moon of Uranus (<-true fact) and you can read about it in Oh Crap, I Inspired Someone.

Here are my nominees, check out their pages for some Very Inspiring reads:

Only those accepting their nominations were invited to partake in the eating of Twink-henge…

That night, I went to an adult tupperware party, except there was no tupperware and there were sex toys. In my first “Live Tweet” event since joining Twitter, I shared some of the more memorable quotes of the evening under the hashtag “#18+tupperwareparty”.  Here are some personal favorites, starting with the one about things you suck on before you suck on…the thing…. Pre-Johnson lollipops, folks. Yes, you read that right. Who knew it was even a thing?



And since I really don’t want to try to top Cootchie Cream…how was your week?

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Oh Crap, I Inspired Someone…

veryinspiringblogawardI’m not sure what kind of things I’m inspiring, hopefully it’s something like ‘blogging in the vernacular’ or ‘fewest unintentional typos’, but thank you dramafreemama, for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! Despite the many mistakes I’ve made as a result of sleep deprivation, I’ve still managed to at least marginally inspire someone, and in this I take pride.

Wait – I know! It must have been writing about the myriad uses for colorful poop, or the dozen different poo-phemisms I shared in my post “My Baby Poops Rainbows. Like A Unicorn.” Then again…prob-ly not.

Joking aside, I appreciate the recognition. With so many wonderful bloggers out there, it’s always a great honor to be recognized by one’s peers, and I am thankful to dramafreemama for picking me.


  1. Display logo on blog.  Ayup.
  2. Link back to the person you have so inspired. Done!
  3. Tell 7 things about yourself. Below.
  4. Nominate 15 other bloggers and link back to them. Thank you, WordPress, for not making me type out the HTML for all of those links.
  5. Perform 1 random act of kindness and include it in your post. This will be a change, writing about  something good I did versus something embarrassing or regretful…

7 Fascinating (read: mildly interesting) Things About Me:

  1. My name is a moon of Uranus. Seriously: I just have a slightly better spelling. Then again, in Portuguese, it means “flying silver fish.”
  2. cherry_dip_coneI don’t like fast food. Except chocolate, cherry dipped cones at Dairy Queen. And Chicken McNuggets. And anything at Taco Bell. 10 of anything at Taco Bell. So I guess you could say I love fast food.
  3. One of my all-time favorite SNL skits is the one where Mike Myers is playing Mick Jagger, and the real Mick Jagger is sitting next to him playing Keith Richards, and Mike Myers is portraying Mick Jagger totally idiotically.  While sitting right next to Mick Jagger. You can’t say the guy doesn’t have a sense of humor. Or that Mike Myers doesn’t have balls.
  4. I’ve seen every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, in consecutive order, and I can still remember most of the lyrics to most of the songs in the Buffy: The Musical – Once More With Feeling episode from season 6.
  5. I’d rather floss the cat than watch reality TV. And I don’t even have a cat. So first I’d have to conquer my fear of cats, then procure one, then floss it. That’s what I would rather do than watch a reality show.
  6. I’m a certified computer professional who types on a keyboard with a broken question mark, slash, down arrow and left arrow. Every time I want to type a question mark, I have to hold the “Fn” and “Alt” keys while typing “63”. (Isn’t that annoying???) Even though I’ve fixed a couple dozen of these for other people, with two kids under three keeping me busy, I ‘m too lazy to order a new keyboard and replace the broken one on my own laptop.
  7. I’ve figured out that, in order to make it big in the world of blogging, one has to have a truly distinctive quality or shtick.  Since I haven’t settled on anything yet, here are the choices I’m considering: growing my toenails like those long-ass fingernail people in the Guinness Book of World Records and wearing only open-toed shoes, then blogging about the reactions of strangers; iting-wray all-yay uture-fay log-bay osts-pay in-yay Ig-pay Atin-lay; only writing  about my life from an ‘opposite day’ or ‘Bizarro World’ perspective; or peppering my posts with photos that are entirely unrelated to the subject matter.

No idea who to give credit for this photo, but an extra Twinkie to anyone who can find out so I can link back…


Nominees, in no particular order:

  1. Adventures of NinjaMama
  2. Another Piece of Cake
  3. Attracted to Shiny Things
  4. ComfyTown Chronicles
  5. Dysfunction Junction
  6. Little Bird’s Dad
  7. Mommy Man
  8. Mommy, For Real
  9. MomSoPolitan
  10. My Life As Lucille
  11. Old Dog New Tits
  12. Sometimes I Sleep
  13. The Honest Mommy
  15. You’re My Favorite Today

Okay, you caught me, that’s totally in a particular order. Alphabetical, for those index-ly challenged.

Random Act of Kindness

This weekend, I heard about a family that was getting rid of their baby gear, so I asked If I could pass it on to a new family. I took a ride and loaded up the SUV. I was able to get the expecting parents a bouncy seat, swing, play mat, portable booster, compact stroller and an excersaucer. I threw in my Baby Bjorn that my ginormous baby outgrew before leaving the womb, and a sling carrier for good measure.

I know how grateful I am to the parents who have given me items that their babies used for such a short time, so it’s nice to be able to hook up others in the same boat. (Note: The dog pictured below was not part of the swag, he’s just big with the photobombs.)

stuff for new baby

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