15 Totally Useless Products That I Would Buy Just to Aggravate People

Feeling passive-aggressive about someone who has a birthday coming up? Looking to surprise someone not-so-special in your life? Forced into a gift exchange by peer pressure? How about something to throw into the Yankee Swap that will likely show up again next year…and the next year…and the year after that…

Have no fear, here are some truly pointless products that you can give to show someone just how little you care. Watch their faces as they open them and try to find someway to thank you that doesn’t sound totally ungrateful.

1. Thumb Wrestling Ring

Description from amazon.com:

Pro Thumb Wrestling is a full-size, officially sanctioned professional thumb wrestling ring. All contenders must insert their thumbs through the opposite corner holes and come out wrestling.

-Ring will determine the true thumb wrestling champion
-Colors may vary
-Neat colors
-Simple rules

2. Weenie Roaster

Description from roastmyweenie.com:

The clever, stainless steel, anatomically correct, man-shaped, stick figure roasting tool that helps keep your hot dog up and off the grill. In addition to his powerful phallic metallic kabob, his arms can also be used to roast peppers, mushrooms, etc. and his base can be custom cut to hold a name, favorite team name or even a custom design. If you do decide to have your base custom cut to say something clever of your choice, be sure to enter that information in the “Customize Yourself” section below.

3. Measuring Toilet Paper

Description from amazon.com:

– One roll of measuring tape themed toilet paper
– Measure body parts, bodily functions or size-up the window for new curtains
– Measure at your leisure
– If looking for something else to do while on the pot, then the Measuring Toilet Roll is certainly an essential
– Flushable? Obviously

4. Turtle Shell Carrier Cover

Description from etsy.com:

Completely unique & original – Adorable Turtle Shell attachment that adds LOTS of pocket space to your baby carrier. Beautifully crafted & durably made. Sewn on Straps fit perfectly onto your baby bjorn (for other carrier types please convo me) And once it’s on, you don’t have to take it off every time you put your child in it, yet very easy to remove when you want to. Zipper on top opens a lofty “backpack” pocket that you can store all of your baby needs – and a few of your own. A large front pocket is also available, convo me if you’d like this feature. Back & straps are made of a light canvas. The shell is constructed of felt appliqued onto fleece. Colors will vary.

5. iSaw USB Chainsaw

Description from usbchainsaw.com:

Never before has a chainsaw been made available in such a compact and mobile form. Measuring no larger than the size of a regular computer keyboard, every effort has been made to ensure that proper grip – and safety – is not compromised.

6. Titanium Straw

Description from thinkgeek.com:

Stop what you are doing and share a thought with us: think of all the times you use plastic straws. But more importantly think of all the straws that bend and break in their packaging, or refuse to puncture your juice box. The time has come, friends, to rebel against the plastic straw. The time has come to raise your hand high and hold aloft the straw made of such a powerful material that it was named after the Titans of Greek Mythology. Juice boxes will shudder and beverages everywhere will quake in fear when they see your new Titanium Straw.

7. Slicer Fork

Description from innoprousa.com:

– Slice and Eat Pizza with One Utensil!
– Easy!
– Cuts swiftly through crust & toppings
– Amazing!
– Guests, Friends, and Family will Love It!
– Versatile!
– Dishwasher Safe

8. Sexy Vampire Reusable Menstrual Pad

Description from etsy.com:

An extra long version of the Goddess pad, measuring at a whopping 16 inches long it’s surely to be the only pad you’ll need for your heaviest overnight flows or after childbirth.

The inner core consists of two layers of flannel sandwiching two layers of terry cloth and backed with the softest matching black fleece. There have matching black poly resin snaps with two snap settings for a more personal adjustment.

9. Shit Gold Pills

Description from citizen-citizen.com:

Analogous to our culture’s obsession with luxury and consumption, these 24K gold leaf capsules turn your innermost parts into chambers of wealth. Consume and digest.

10. FUNdies

Description from amazon.com:

The underwear built for two.

11. Foggy Mirror Wiper

Description from amazon.com:

– Mirror includes manual windshield wiper
– Clears fog and moisture quickly
– A unique home decor item – creative and functional!

12. Nintendo Guitar

Description from getlofi.com:

Each guitar is crafted by hand so no two are alike. Intonation is set and everything comes tested.

13. The Ham-Dogger

Description from amazon.com:

Clever tool to make “hot dog” shaped hamburgers – Now you can please both the hot dog and hamburger lover Also perfect for making gourmet stuffed hamburgers (hot dog shaped) Ideal for ground beef, ground turkey or veggies Makes 1/4 lb of meat into a hot dog (6″L X 1-3/8″Dia) Three piece design Constructed of polycarbonate plastic Hot dog bun shaped base Two-piece clear cylinder shaped meat mold Measures approx 6″L X 2″Dia (overall) Dishwasher safe Instructions, stuffing and topping ideas printed on back of package

14. Hand-erpants

Description from amazon.com:

– Stylish for any occasion
– Fits most adult hands
– Hundreds of uses
– Wonderful gift

sweaty shirt

15. Sweaty Shirt

Description from etsy.com:

It’s the Sweaty Shirt! The perfect gift for that lazy person. The shirt that already has sweat on it. There’s sweat under the arms, around the neck and mid back. You provide the odor.

Get your own seat on the airplane! Fake out your spouse! Act like you’ve done all your chores while sitting on the couch! The opportunities are endless…

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Tell me about the worst gift you’ve ever given and/or received in the comments…

Posted on March 21, 2013, in Crafts/Ideas, Humor, Random and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. The Weenie Roaster made me laugh out loud. They were all fabulous. Who the hell comes up with these ideas? Thanks for the laugh!

  2. queenof5dollarbling

    How funny and there are things on here I could actually see my husband wanting to purchase like the Thumb Wrestling Ring and the toilet paper measure.

  1. Pingback: Weenies, Toilets, and Eating Ourselves, Recap WE 3-23 | Their World We Live In

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