A Shower Recipe
A Shower Recipe
* 1 tired 6 month old
* 1 active 2.5 year old with cabin fever
* 1 smelly mommy
* 1 crazy hyper black lab
1. Lay out all items of clothing needed for playing in the snow, which since it involves a toddler, should number around 372.
2. Put on your own snow gear. Over your pajamas.
3. Chase toddler around house while trying to dress him in warm clothes, snow pants, snow boots, neck warmer, hat, jacket and mittens. (Optional: duct tape or superglue child’s feet to floor in for better traction.)
4. Put 6 month old in for nap and beg telecommuting daddy to keep an ear out. Promise favors if necessary. (Note: Just to be fair, no begging was needed because my husband rocks.)
5. Open basement door and CLEAR THE WAY FAST so psycho-dog can dive down, frisbee in mouth, without killing anyone.
6. Help toddler, who is now so bundled up that he has about the agility of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man down the stairs, through the garage, and outside into snow. (Note: this will require many stops to grab as many toys as possible that will be brought out then promptly forgotten about when toddler sees there is snow to eat.)
7. Spend a half an hour walking to and from the garage and around the yard, throwing frisbee for dog and arguing about whether the garage will be opened yet again to exchange toys.
8. When toddler starts to droop, bribe with hot chocolate and usher inside before he changes his mind. Remove all snow gear, as well as any items that managed to get wet despite protective gear. This can range from most to all. Replace wet items with dry.
9. Make hot chocolate, put in spill-proof cup. Gather cup, graham crackers, tissues, a blanket, a cup of water, cheerios, and everything else you might need for a 2-week stay with a hungry child in a remote cabin. Install child on couch with these items, turn on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and sneak away. Quickly. If you have followed instructions correctly up to this point, 2.5 year old should be just complacent enough that this will briefly keep him still.
10. Make a mad dash up the stairs, stripping as you go. Leave the clothes where they fall; there’s plenty of time to deal with that later. Turn on shower and jump in before it warms up, start lathering, put toothpaste on brush, wash off soap as you brush your teeth. The water will now be an acceptable temperature. Turn it off. Apply deodorant. This should take approximately 2 minutes and 17 seconds (with 5 seconds leeway for the novices).
11. Run down the stairs mostly naked with towel trailing behind you. Don’t worry about the water on the floor; it will dry.
12. Breathe a sigh of relief when you find child where you left him all of three minutes ago, and go put some clothes on. Smile at prone doggy lying flat like a pancake on the kitchen floor, the only sign of life a single tail fwap of happy exhaustion that you now mentally echo.
Congratulations, you did it! Now, if you can just figure out how your kitchen walls got painted with ketchup and peanut butter…
What daily activities require a ridiculously complex routine in your home?