Monthly Archives: February 2013

DIY Home Remedies: Just Don’t

Lately I’ve noticed a lot of articles and commercials on how to “Do It Yourself” to save money, or how to use “Home Remedies” instead of filling your body with drugs and dangerous chemicals. Some of these ideas seem feasible. Like, olive oil is great for dry skin, and eating fruit will keep you regular (or yogurt – thank you, Jamie Lee). Others seem questionable but worthy of a trial, like sucking on a lemon to assuage motion sickness. But some of them, effective or not, they just ain’t gonna happen.

For instance, the other day I read an article about ’20 DIY Home Health Remedies’, and number 5 was an Elmer’s Glue facial to remove dead skin and blackheads. And though I enjoyed letting school glue dry on my fingers and peeling it off like dead skin to freak out other kids when I was in grade school, I think I’ll pass on this one. It sounds about as enticing as ‘bonding’ to me. Don’t know what ‘bonding’ is? Allow me to enlighten you by way of this anecdote:

When I was in college, I took a job as an overnight camp counselor. My campers were 15 and 16, making us close enough in age that they didn’t even pretend to see me as an authority figure. This disregard led to all kinds of tomfoolery and shenanigans (I know, same thing, but they’re fun to say…also dirigible, horse-feathers, phlebotomist and rutabaga). Fun kids – I came back to the bunk one night after lights-out, and melted a flip-flop trying to suffocate a candle that had escaped their control. Good times.

One afternoon, I came upon a few of these lovelies sitting outside the cabin in a circle with strange smiles on their faces. When I asked them what they were doing, they replied, “Bonding!” *Giggle giggle*. I kept walking, aware that I was missing something, but they were sitting quietly (for them), and keeping out of trouble (for once), so I left them alone.  I related this strange encounter to a fellow counselor who was in the know and she filled me in. ‘Bonding’ is when a group of girls hangs out together after sprinkling Gold Bond Medicated Powder, the mentholated kind, on their vajayjays. Ever get that tingly feeling? Soooooo glad I asked.

Anyhow, though ‘bonding’ and Elmer’s facials may have their a-peel (see what I did there?), I think I’ll find my masks and happy tingles elsewhere. And while we’re at it, here’s a list of 8 other Bizarre Home Cures That Work from www.prevention.com that I have no intention of trying:

1. Vodka For Foot Odor

Why:  If you wash your feet in vodka it will dry them out and act like an antiseptic, eliminating fungus and bacteria that cause bad odors.

Why NOT: Ummm…alcohol abuse, a.k.a. wastefulness. There’s only one good use for vodka in my book, and that is taken orally in appropriate quantities. This, unfortunately for me, is none right now, as I have a milk parasite. And I probably will for another 5 months until his first birthday.

2. Ice Cream for Pizza Burns

Why:  There are only a few millimeters of tissue on the roof of your mouth, so it is highly sensitive to hot foods, like scalding pizza cheese. Ice cream will sooth it and cool it off.

Why NOT: First, der?! Putting something cold on a burn, genius! Why didn’t I think of that! Oh, wait, I did. I call it ‘ice’. Great invention. Can be found in most local freezers. Secondly, if I ever say, “Ouch! I burned myself on my pizza! I need ice cream,” just take it as my incredibly subtle (think nympho in a produce aisle) way of saying I’m off my diet. Which you probably should have figured out when I started scarfing the still-too-hot pizza. Because really, this excuse isn’t fooling anyone.

3. Listerine for Blisters

Why: Like the vodka on foot fungus, Listerine is both an antiseptic and a drying agent. When dabbed on a blister 3 times a day, it will help it dry out and heal faster.

Why NOT: Because, knowing me, I’ll start calling it ‘Blisterine’, and who wants to use a mouthwash called ‘Blisterine’? That’s fucking disgusting.

4. Licorice for Calluses and Corns

Why: The “estrogen-like” substances in licorice soften hard skin like corns and calluses when mixed with petroleum jelly and applied as a paste.

Why NOT: My dog has a foot-licking fetish. It’s not a sexual fetish, or a doggy turn-on, he just really seems to like the taste of feet. And as I’ve mentioned in past writings, dog-lick smells like fish rot, so as cute as it is, no, I don’t encourage this behavior. He does not need additional motivation to lick my feet; I’m not going to marinate them.

5. Duct Tape for Warts

Why: The tape has chemicals that will suffocate and kill the wart. It is 15% more effective than freezing them off, according to one study.

Why NOT: I watched MacGyver for 7 years. In that time, he managed to find nearly every use for duct tape imaginable. Not once in 139 episodes did he use it to remove a wart. Therefore, I call shenanigans!

6. Tennis Balls For Achy Feet

Why: If you roll the arches of your feet over the ball, it will relieve pain.

Why NOT: Have you ever tried rolling a tennis ball underfoot repeatedly in the presence of a frisky 75 pound black lab? Good luck with that.

7. Sugar for Hiccups

Why: It’s believed that sugar modifies the nerve muscles that instruct the diaphragm muscles to spasm.

Why NOT: Duuuuuuhhhhhh! Everyone knows, the correct way to get rid of hiccups is to gurgle a tablespoon of water and spin counter-clockwise 3 times while hopping on one foot, with one fingertip touching the top of your head, and the other hand fending off your dog who is on his hind legs, pouncing at you and trying to join in your dance.

8. Baking soda for Urinary Tract Infections

Why: Higher alkalinity makes it harder for bacteria to multiply, and drinking water mixed with the correct amount of baking soda makes the “bladder environment” more alkaline.

Why NOT: My vagina is not a swimming pool. I will not be dipping a test strip and balancing its alkalinity. Wouldn’t that be a fun trip to the pool supply store?

Me: Excuse me, I need some pH Up…?
Clerk: Sure! What size swimming pool?
Me: Uhhhh…

Yeah, I can wait for a trip to the doctor, thank you very much.

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I’m not sure how this post went from “Don’t DIY” to “Here are some ‘ways not to encourage my dog’, and ‘things I won’t put in my hoo-hah’ “, but there ya have it. How about you? Would you try any of these?

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Disclaimer: Please keep in mind I found this shit on the internet. That means that a) it might work, b) it might not work, or c) it might cause your skin turn green, your cookie to seal up, your dog to run away and your boss to fire you. In other words, don’t try it because you saw it here.

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Flossing The Cat

1191446469flossingThe other day when we were shopping, AJ decided he would annoy the crap out of me by asking the same (obvious) question over and over. And over…And over…And over. So after the 40th repetition of “What doing, mama?” “I’m food shopping, AJ,” I finally changed tactics in an effort to cut it short.

AJ: What doing, mama?

Me: I’m walking the dog, AJ.

Silence…then slowly a grin spread across his face…

AJ: Nooooo!

Me: Oh, I’m not?

AJ: Nooooo! You shopping!

Yes! Success! Until a moment later, when I realized my method had backfired.

AJ: (with an evil grin) What doing, mama?

It had instantly become a game, and it was my own fault. I had disregarded the toddler rule of One And  A Million (don’t do anything once that you wouldn’t want to repeat a million times), and now there was hell to pay. So I came up with some replies to keep the little squirt happy. And it definitely kept him occupied for the next 10 minutes while I finished shopping.

But we sure got some strange looks from the other shoppers when I responded to the question ‘what doing, mama?’ with increasingly random and unlikely answers, resulting in the following conversation:

AJ: What doing, mama?

Me: Flossing the cat.

AJ: Nooooooo! What doing, mama?

Me: Counting toothbrush bristles.

AJ: Nooooooo! What doing, mama?

Me: Attending a garage door opening…ironing the carpet…teaching a gopher to yodel…collecting yarn for bald puppets…fluffing my cauliflower…honing my porcupine…molding a yacht out of Cheez Whiz…

It amazed me that this entertained him, considering he had no idea what the hell I was talking about. And in retrospect, I’m probably lucky that no one listening had me arrested for public intoxication.

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What is/was your toddler’s favorite method of getting on your nerves?

Dip Dip Flippy Flip! Or, Why Complacency and Toddlers Don’t Mix

It was Friday night. The daddy and I were sitting with baby JC on the couch. AJ, the 2.5 year old, was running back and forth between the kitchen, play room and living room. I was comfy, I was off my feet, and I was suddenly aware that it was too quiet.

Me:AJ… are you in the kitchen?

(No response…)

Me: AJ…what are you doing?

(Still nothing…)

Me: AJ…?

AJ: (from the kitchen) Yah?

Me: What are you doing?

AJ: Dip dip flippy flip!

Me: What?!

AJ: Dip dip flippy flip! Dip dip flippy flip!

Dip dip flippy flip? What the hell does that mean? Is he being attacked by Dr. Seuss? Maybe he got the chips and hummus from the fridge and he’s flinging them across the room…? Dip dip flippy flip?

I looked at my husband, he looked back at me. In a few blinks, we had one of those silent conversations that any parent of a toddler would understand:

*Shrug* (Do you know what he’s talking about?)

*Eyebrows raised* (No clue. You either?)

*Eyeroll* (Oh crap, this can’t be good.)

He gets up to look…

Exasperated Daddy: Aaaaaaaaay Jaaaaaaaaaaaay!

AJ: I sorry, Daddy!

AJ came running into the living room, his father following behind him. The daddy was not pleased. He shared with me his discovery that ‘Dip dip flippy flip!’ translates to ‘using a toy broom and the dog’s water dish to mop about 90% of the kitchen floor’. Who knew? I tell ya, every moment is an adventure when you have an innovative kid… By the way, could someone lend us a ShamWow?