DUMB-ASS CHILDREN’S PRODUCTS, Part II: WTF, Fisher-Price?
In my continuing quest to call out the people who seem to deliberately want to stunt our children’s intellectual growth, I bring to your attention the latest version of Fisher-Price’s See ‘N Say The Farmer Says. Do you remember having that as a kid? I do.
I remember the feel of putting my finger in the little white ring and pulling the string. I have to wonder if it was considered a choking hazard by today’s standards (at all of what, eight inches?), or maybe it wasn’t high tech enough; they replaced it with a lever that’s so stiff, it’s pretty much impossible to pull until you not only know what a cow says, but could probably spell it. Backwards. In pig latin.
I remember listening to those distinctive barnyard animal sounds and watching the seemingly magical string retract. Then I would pull it again, ad infinitum, until it was probably a testament to my parents’ fortitude that they weren’t driven to drink. Or start mooing.
They’ve updated those boring, realistic animal pictures too; now they have cute, cuddly, brightly colored, overly-rounded, cartoony pictures. Don’t want to be too realistic, might scare the children. It’s as bad as those flash cards; you know the ones I mean. Side A shows a picture of a rubber duckie, side B says “DUCK”. Side A shows a picture of a stuffed animal, side B says “DOG”. How freaking hard would it have been to find a picture of an actual duck and an actual dog?!?! We’re not talking endangered species here! But I digress…
Dd you know that since we were kids, they’ve even changed the animal lineup? Coyote is gone. Too many falls off a cliff, maybe? One too many anvils to the head? Bird is gone too. But now they have Mouse, Goat, Goose, Chick, Owl and Bunny. Let me repeat those, and as you read them, try to imagine their sounds. Really try to hear them in your head. Ready? Mouse…squeak squeak. Goat…naaaaaaaaaa. Goose…honk honk. Chick…peep peep. Owl…hooo hooooo. Bunny………………Sorry, let’s try that again. Bunny………….???
Yes folks, BUNNY. I’m ashamed to admit that it wasn’t until I had kids that I learned that, and this is a direct quote, “The bunny says BOING! BOING! BOING!” Okay, maybe not an exact quote. The word “boing” is more of an onomatopoeia or something. Whatever. Just think of a cartoon spring.
HOW DID THIS TOY MAKE IT TO THE SHELVES!?!? Did no one question this revision? Some man, woman or committee presented this to their boss. Some boss had to sign off on it! Didn’t he watch the PowerPoint presentation? “Here’s our next proposed addition, ‘Bunny’. They don’t really say much, so the sound experts came up with this great spring noise instead!” Wasn’t there a single voice of reason, one person along the way who said, “If they don’t say much, let’s put it on the chopping block.” The proposed change, not the bunny. That would be wrong.
I want my money back! No, I want my money and treble damages! I want Fisher-Price to find me a single bunny that says “boing” and if they do, i’ll eat…strike that. Listen folks, the education of our children is at stake here. Let’s start with the little things.
What toys or children’s product do you regret exposing your children to?