Monthly Archives: January 2013

This Is Your Brain…This Is Your Brain On Toddler

Psychology majors, marketing wizards, parents and friends:

For years it has been a mystery, what goes on in the mind of a toddler? Why do they stick toys in their ears and food in their nose (or vice versa)? Why can they memorize an entire tv episode but only remember to put on one sock? Why do they start to tell you a story, wander off in mid-sentence, then inexplicably run off to pelt their sibling with a barrage of stuffed animals?

But now I have the answer, folks. I’ve figured it out! So, without any further delay, allow me to present to you a visual representation of what is going on in your toddler’s brain. (See video below.)

Conspiracy Theories

No, not these angels, right?

No, not these angels, right?

Do you ever wonder what happens in the 90 seconds you’re out of the room and the toddler and baby are alone…together? Here’s a conversation I suspect happened yesterday:

Toddler: Okay, here’s how it will go. I’ll take the early shift. I’ll refuse to go to bed and scream that I need one more yogurt and there are noises in my ears. That should confuse and worry them just enough so that when I finally quiet down, it won’t occur to them to stop me from playing with legos. Then, every 15 minutes or so, I’ll smack the lego table with a toy hammer 32 times rapid-fire. When they come to take the hammer, I’ll be innocently sitting on my bed with a book. Once they leave, I’ll wait 12 minutes and start hammering again. I’ll keep this up until just after midnight.

Baby: Uh-huh…

Toddler: That’s where you come in. Give her about an hour, maybe an hour and a half, then start the “I won’t stop crying until you feed me” routine. Go for two-hour intervals. After the 5:30 interval, let’s give her 10 minutes. Just enough time to let her think she’s going to get another hour of sleep. Then, we’ll double-team her! Start screaming like your life depends on it.

Baby: I’m with ya…

Toddler: Once we’re both in her bed, dad will get up to go make coffee. By the time we’re downstairs, after dad lets her shower and get dressed, she’ll be ready to throw that whole “no TV” business right out the window. We’ll get to watch Mickey ALL DAY!

Do your kids conspire against you?

A Nice, Relaxing Lunch Out

imageI was out to lunch with my friend Kristin. We both had the kids, so between us we had three high chairs and a bucket carseat at the table. She was trying to keep soup out of laps and I had one hand feeing the baby a bottle and the other preventing the toddler’s cup from spilling as he drank. A guy sitting next to us got up to leave, looked at us with a smile, and said, “Got your hands full, huh? My girls are 5 and 7, so they’re on voice command now.” Yeah, har har har…well ours are clearly still in manual mode, thanks dude.

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When did your kids go from manual to voice command?